Monthly Archives: October 2010

A Big Fan of the Genre

I woke up this morning and, first thing, fired up an old VHS tape:Death Blow: A Cry For Justice (Raphael Nussbaum, 1987).

The night before, Amazon Marketplace had informed me that some kind soul in Ootawara-Shi, Japan, had purchased my copy of Death Blow from me. It takes a while to get things shipped over there, so I wanted this videotape packed and in the mail that day. Work was in 45 minutes, so I had to use that handy FF>> button quite a good deal to get through (most) of it. It’s the kind of movie where you can just catch one line of dialogue per scene and pretty much know the deal.

Actually, it was technically not my VHS tape. It was my brother’s; I’ve been selling some tapes for him. When I told him that Death Blow had sold to a man in Japan, he texted me back to inform me that: “Thats the one the bootlegger records on seinfeld.” I thought about it a minute. He was right. In The Little Kicks, a 1996 episode of Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld gains some fleeting street fame as a wunderkind theatrical bootlegger, for his work on the cam version of the fictional film Death Blow, then in fictional theaters in Seinfeld‘s fictional Manhattan.

But I knew, from looking over Death Blow‘s VHS slipcase that very morning, that the real Death Blow had been released in 1987. We we’re obviously dealing with more than one Death Blow here.

This all got me thinking. They made up a whole hell of a lot of movies over the course of the Seinfeld series run, their titles ranging from Too Dull To Give a Crap About all the way to So Bad I’d Love To See an Actual Movie Called That.

But how many of those other Fake Seinfeld Movies had real world counterparts the way Death Blow did? All it took to find out was an internet list of all Fake Seinfeld Movies and some hard IMDB digging. Enjoy:

1. Agent ZeroNot Real: Zero hits returned by IMDB.

2. Blame it on the RainNot Real: I’d probably blame this one on Milli Vanilli. Luckily, it’s not a mistake yet made by Hollywood.

3. Blimp: The Hindenberg StoryNot Real: Time to explode the myth on this one.

4. Brown-Eyed GirlReal: Too sick of this song to ever watch a movie called it.

5. CheckmateVery Real: Jeez, there’s like a million of these. ALL GREAT!

6. Chow FunNot Real: And I have to say I’m not too upset about this one.

7. ChunnelNot Real: Seems like they must’ve been going for a CHUD-meets-England/France-transit type thing with this one.

8. Cold FusionReal: Made twice since 2001.

9. Cry, Cry AgainNot Real: Though there is a Hungarian movie called Kiáltás és kiáltás, directed by Zsolt Kézdi-Kovács. I love Zsolt Kézdi-Kovács. His movies rule.

10. Cupid’s RifleNot Real: Cupid’s Rival, though, was made in 1917.

11. Death BlowReal: As described above and below. “The zoomings, the framings…I was enchanted!”

12. Extreme MeasuresReal, a few times: In Japan, they called the 1996 one Body Bunk. Total Seinfeld Fake Movie Name, right?

13. FirestormVery Real: Six Firestorms is too many Firestorms.

14. Means to an EndReal: Twice

15. Mountain HighReal: Or so IMDB barely claims.

16. The Muted HeartNot Real

17. The Other Side of DarknessNot Real

18. Ponce de LeonReal: And real old. The 1924 version (a short film) starred Monte Brice, writer of A Whole Bunch of Crap I Never Heard Of.

19. Prognosis: NegativeNot Real: I like it when a movie’s title is also a review of that movie. Diagnosis: Fabricated

20. Rochelle, RochelleNot Real: But America has already imagined this “young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk” in such great detail, and so many billions of times, does it really matter?

21. Sack LunchNot Real: Sorry. You can never go see a movie called Sack Lunch that you yourself did not conceive, write, direct, edit, and screen for yourself.

***

I’m sure I forgot a few. Give me hell about it in the Comments and I’ll add ’em, but please: “Not because of who I am, but because of different reasons….

Advertisements

%d bloggers like this: